A Life In Review

I wouldn't formally call what I've recently been suffering from writers block. I have been writing. I've been expressing myself, which means that I don't have the most important qualifying symptom of writers block. Sure, my newest method is unconventional but it is, as I am so fond of saying, the 21st century.

I haven't been posting, nor scribbling with any sort of frequency, but I have been reviewing up a storm. This is all in conjunction with my new favorite pass-time: online commerce! Sure, at first glance you may dismiss my newest of hobbies as nothing more than a new method of shopping, a variation of the over consumption I already engage in, a lazy woman's wardrobe expansion. But, then I realized that I could incorporate my new form of expression into my bi-weekly trips to Anthropologie. (Markdowns on Tuesdays, newly merchandised sale floor on Thursdays.)

I have been reviewing any and everything that I can and have consumed for the past six months now. Sweaters, restaurants, shoe repairs, YouTube videos, teachers, nurses, nail salons, face washes, coffee beans, iPhone apps, barbecue, my Pharmacist. The convenience of buying online is that Nordstroms, or Zappos will automatically e-mail to remind you that you made a purchase, and that you can review it! A poncho, a bar of soap, a pair of Frye's, no matter the purchase, a few words, and a discretionary number of stars tells a story. With no good friends to be had, perhaps I have been having a relationship with my purchases, which is of course the most disgusting thing I have ever thought about myself, and thus will immediately dismiss.

I, of course, read the reviews that other women post, mostly concerned when it is all a question of fit, how a size runs, the quality of material. There is nothing I hate more than a brief, completely nondescript description of a product. Let me give you an example. Let's say the review in question is for a jersey dress. Any old jersey dress will do. Now, let's say I am looking to buy this dress, but can't decide if I am one size or another. (Do you like how I conveniently avoided saying which two sizes we are supposing I am between? It's really none of your business.) Well, I would of course consult a minimum five reviews but of course it depends on how many reviews there are. I have been know to read all reviews posted, and it seems to me that I am not the only woman expressing herself via E-Commerce review.

When a woman describes herself as "curvy" or "athletic" or "petite" I feel crazed. What on earth does all that mean? Women are tricky, and with this, I read: "fat," "mannish," and "anywhere under five-foot-six-inches: reluctant to give other details."

Then there are the women who give you all the details, right down to their cup size and the cellulite on the back of their thighs, and how well this particular jersey dress hides it all. These are the women I appreciate. Not the women who give you all the gory details about their midget proportions, their tiny little curve-less bodies. The nail in the review coffin? The MySpace-esque photos of them all in my jersey dress. The only thing less-helpful than a description of a midget in my prospective dress, is a photo of it. I love photos of product, don't get me wrong, but how am I expected to visualize myself in my dress if I'm looking at a picture of a five-foot, chest-less brunette in it?

No matter how many of these I have to sort through, I can usually arrive at some sort of decision. If not, I subscribe to the Buy-Two-And-Return-The-Wrong-One theology. And ultimately, if I am undecided about which color to order, and, after hours of debate, a good nights sleep, and a call to a friend or two, cannot arrive at a decision as to whether or not to order the blue or the red, I am the founding member of the church of Buy-Both-Colors.